News papers can’t even come close to this product because they’re run by 50+ year olds that talk about business plans, budgets, acquisition, polls, surveys, and all sorts of corporate world view words that are carefully crafted so the executive appears smart, only to go home, put on some diapers and a pacifier and let some poor girl from Honduras spank ‘em for being bad, bad, bad, naughty.

Point is, go pick up a copy of Magazine X because it’s the Ultimate Entertainment Guide for the Rio Grande Valley.  ‘Nuff said.

This year, I’m on fire.  Can’t tell you why, although, you probably know it’s because I’m too much awesome for mediocracy. Yesterday, I got a bunch of hate mail for the local models ugly-ass comments, which I could care less for, so here’s a vid for you haters.

All dressed up, and, well -- that's about all.

I’d like to clarify, the Valley has not one professional model in its midst (like saying, there’s one rose-scented ass-hole somewhere). Anyway, I’m going through some myspace bulletins today and ran into a tid-bit from the Monitor’s Festiva:

We’re holding a contest for the hottest model in the Valley. We’re collecting entries right now, next month we’ll have a reader vote, and the winner will appear on the cover of Festiva…

Wow, on the cover of Festiva, when does the pageantry end?  I wonder how it would be to work at the Monitor.  I probably would steal ideas from locals with no money, then get fucked on some cocaine, then wonder around belligerent spitting things like, “that’s just capital.”  Then put out a press release for helpless ass-ugly attention-whores who want to strut around in their panties for money.  Where the hell did they get these tails from anyways?  I am convinced that they are rejects from the canceled George Lopez casting call years back.

For one, the Valley doesn’t have hot models, and if it did, they’re hanging out at MagX.  Sure, there are some prissy things out and about in the Valley but have you seen their muscle mass?  Those cunts couldn’t jack off a cockroach, much less a grown human.  Then, you’re left to wonder, why not girl-on-girl action?  But I tell you, these bitches are so high maintanance that they’ll wipe after a each lick and cry saying shit like, “Oh, I had sex with three guys last night!  I don’t want you to think I’m a slut.”  Then I unzip and say, “What?  I didn’t pull it out for air.”

Ten Ton Hammer, since its inception in 2006, has quickly made a reputation as the “party” band. The man behind the madness, Rik (founding member of Abyss), began the mayhem of recruiting each member of TTH with the sole purpose of going back to the roots of why every musician begins playing their instrument — to jam with other “brother” musicians.

Visit myspace.com/tentonhammer2008 for more information.  Upcoming shows to be at Newman’s Bar and Grill and at Smokin’ Aces.